Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Hi My Name is Elly And It Has Been 3 Months Since My...

1. Since my last drink?
2. Since my last cigarette?
~I wish
3. Since my last coffee?
~ make that about 3 seconds, and I am ready for my next!

I look around at my friends and I see people who are kind and loving. They take care of me and have become my family. However, while gaining these wonderful friends, I have given up my family. I don't spend time with them, and when I get the chance to see them it is often a quick "hello," followed by me running off to be with my friends. This has been the case for the past few years.
Last night I had an awful dream. I was at my grandmothers shiva.
"Hi my name is Elly and its been 3 months since my Grandmother died." Yes, I feel like I'm a recovering addict. I can't count the amount of times I "relapsed" and tried to call her on the phone. And when I woke from my dream this morning I had convinced myself that I could call her and she would take my fears away. You know sometimes you have a bad dream about a loved one and when you wake up to call and make sure they are okay. Expect in my early morning stupor, without my caffeine boost, I picked up my cell phone, dialed, and realized that no one would answer. That's right now that she is gone, I want to call her. Before she was gone, I was notorious for ignoring her calls or pretending to be busy because I just did not have the patience to talk. My friends make fun of me that I still have my call MomMom reminder in my phone. I think it's sick. Who the hell needs to schedule time to call their grandparents. But somehow the alarm going off every night at 7:45 reminding me to call is a comfort. It reminds me that I am an awful person and should have taken more time for her when she was alive. It makes me want to better myself and my relationship with my family.
My grandmothers death hit me like a train. I can honestly say that no a day goes by that I don't think about the time I spent with her in the hospital. I remember holding her hand and begging her to live. That's right I begged her not God. Yep I'm apparently a terrible person, I did not pray for her. Some of you might this why the hell would a grandchild not pray for their grandparent. But, I just couldn't justify asking God to fix something I knew he wouldn't. Why pray to someone who wont listen.
I have been told by my friends that it is okay to be mad at God. Its okay to talk to him and yell at him for what I feel he has done wrong. But for me that's like talking to the wall. If God cared she would still be here to take care of me. "If God gives life, then he is and Indian giver."
My friends also say that God is not kind he is just. How in the world is killing and innocent person just. There was no due process, and don't tell me it happened in heaven or on Yom Kippur. Sorry I'm not buying it. God sucks on this issue.

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