Friday, November 12, 2010

No Mitzvah No Moshiach

There was an old who lived in a shoe. Well actually in Crown Heights, there is an old lady who lives in a draidel. Now unlike the the wench in the shoe, this women does not have any kids, and I'm pretty sure she knows what to do. Draidel lady is quite possibly one of my most favorite Crown Heights crazies. She is a card carrying member of the tedekkah guild. The Guild is a group of older men and women who beg on the streets of Crown Heights and also in the epicenter, 770 Eastern Parkway. Now many of these men and women walk up and down the streets or around 770 asking for charity. Giving charity in Jewish culture is a huge mitzvah and it is often said that what one gives they will receive back double. I have yet to see this prophesy come true. However it often compels me to give one of these random men or women a few pennies. Thats right just a few pennies here or there. NEVER ANY MORE!!!! Most of the time these people take whatever I give them and they give me some random bracha for money or marriage. As if their brachas are really going to get me rich or married, but needlesys to say it makes them feel good to do something for few linty pennies I hand them while running to the train.
Now lets get back to Draidel lady. I once tried to give her a few pennies, thinking that like all of the other she would give me a bracha and that would be that. BUT NOOOO!!! She looked at my meager offering and asked for more. WHAT THE FUCK YOU DON'T WORK YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I GIVE YOU! Well she wasn't. So I took my linty pennies and began to walk away. As I walked she started yelling at me NO MITZVAH NO MOSHIACH! As if I would be the only Jew not to see Moshiach because I didn't hand her a five spot.
In conclusion here is my theory about the beloved Crown Heights Draidel Lady...she probably has tons of money because NO ONE AND I MEAN NO ONE who is so desperate as to ask for money on the street would turn away a linty penny. Also, I've checked with Rabbinic sources and according to them, even with out doing a mitzvah the Jew card still allows me to see Moshiach.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Okay for all of you folks out there reading this who may be Gehzee, I apologize...not for what I am going to say but for the fact that most of it is true.
I recently had the pleasure of spending a few fun ours with some Gehzee people. Now gezhee is a term that refers to people who come form a great line going back generations to some pretty amazing and pious Jews. But for the sake of keeping it simple and in the words of a very amazing friend of mine gehzee means your grandfather sat behind the Rebbe at farbragens and your great grandfather rubbed elbows with the previous Rebbe. Basically you are for lack of a better term "Crown Heights Royalty." You went to Ohel Torah (boy) or Bais Rivkah (girl). You live on Millionaires row aka President between Kingston and New York, and you can do know wrong. For the sake of not singling people out any more than I already have lets just get to the meat of this post. TEN REASONS YOU MIGHT BE GEHZEEE!
1. You go to Basil and pick at the menu.
2. You (male) are short, mildly over weight, and wear trendy glasses and custom made suits.
3. You have ten children but no one has ever seen your pregnant.
4. Its ok to wear short skirts and short sleeves, because I define tznius.
5. You go to Basil.
6. You are far more attractive than your husband.
7. You are married to a close family friend and your shidduch was made at birth.
8. You married up...meaning you married someone who lives just up the block and has a slightly larger portrait of the Rebbe above their dining room table.
9. You wear a long shaitel, designer heels, and push a bugaboo stroller.
10. Pssssh Kingston Avenue, I shop on Albany.

6 Months In!

On the cusp of my 6 month anniversary in Crown Heights, I've decided its time to get back to blogging. Thats right brace yourselves because my brain is pumping and my cynicism is just getting started.