Thursday, February 4, 2010

Freedom of...

I have entered a new world. I feel like an explorer walking the shores of a new island never before touched. As I walk around this new world, I am constantly fascinated and intrigued by all I see. My senses are captivated. Suddenly, the air smells fresher, and the sounds are more beautiful than those I have ever heard before. Everything is so free. And the natives, oh the natives, never have I met such interesting people. People who say life is wonderful, live and enjoy it to the fullest. I suppose I have always known many of these people but never in such a capacity. Their support of my quest, encourages me to move forward, taking in all that I see. Eating the sweetest fruits, and drinking the strongest wines, being one with those that feel life is beautiful and meant to be enjoyed. With every part of my being I am taking the opportunity to be free.
However, when I travel back to my home, or the place that I have called home for so many years, I feel sick, hurt, and damaged. Why is it so hard for them. Why can't they love me unconditionally. Why is it not okay for me to be different. Why must I be like you. Why are you jealous of me. Why can't you see that the life I gave up is just as good or bad as the life I accepted for so many years.
There is no question that my life has changed drastically over the past few months. I have given up what was once a very comfortable thing for something that isn't quite comfortable yet. All of my life I have been a Jew. That's right my mother is a Jew and her mother, and her mother, and so on and so fourth. I am a Jew. However, I have forgotten how to be a Jew. That's right Miss Lubavitch USA can't remember how to be a Jew. This may sound extremely contradictory, and I am amazed and disheartened by it, but I have truly forgotten. For most of my formative years the only thing I knew about being Jewish was being Lubavitch. Although, my family gave me a great basis and happen to be some of the most Jewish people I know, I agreed to believe that they were not as Jewish as me or my "friends." Therefore, accepting that the only real way to be Jewish is to be Lubavitch.
This idea has caused a few nervous breakdowns over the past few weeks. The biggest one occurring last Friday afternoon after realizing that I had agreed with myself not to go to any shabbos meals and spend my weekend babysitting and doing such non sabbatical like tasks. Although I had convinced myself to be okay with this, because yes I had done it a few weekends before without any issue. I had forgotten that when I had it done it before, I had like minded people around me to hold my hand through the process. This weeks however, was cold turkey.
I was freaking out what did I do. After lighting my shabbos candles, which yes I still do, cause everyone knows that if you like shabbos candles, moshiach will come. But seriously I was crying, because all I knew was if I did not keep shabbos I wouldn't be Lubavitch and somehow not be a Jew.
I have now realized that this time, the time I spend on my journey, is not to say fuck this or I hate this! It is to learn about life and explore the world around me and my Judaism. How can I be a Jew again, and how will I define the type of Jew I am!

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