Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Living in Two Worlds is a Joke!

I like green. It's happy and vibrant. Feelings I haven't had for a long time. My world was completely black and white. And no I am not referring to the black jackets, slack, hats, and white shirts lubavitch men wear. I am mean my life has been either one way or the other. Although I have always for the past seven years, tried to straddle both the secular and religious worlds, one has always been black and one has always been white. However, unlike the Chinese ying and yang, these two worlds did not come together to create perfect harmony. In fact most of the time I had to choose one or the other for fear that they would collide and cause the war of the worlds. Therefore the religious world won and the secular world lost. I gave up friends, family, and life numerous times. My excuses were always I'm too religious to do that when I knew in my heart of hearts that yes I was too religious, but I totally wanted to do whatever fun and creative thing they were doing. I wanted to go out and see the world, I wanted to run free. But, in my world, my screwed up mixture of a world I couldn't. Because I was convince to believe that being religious meant giving up yourself and your needs and to stop having fun. Because the only fun you could have had to be related to religion. Well guess what religious fun, is not so fun. I don't want to sit around and sing songs about how great God is. Cause honestly I'm a little pissed at God for a lot of reasons. But that is an issue for another time. Listen in the word of some 1980's pop song "Girls just wanna have fun...that's all they really want." I want to have fun and well I want to have real fun. Not the kind that involves learning or praying.
-And so it goes....

10 comments:

  1. Keep in mind, that being religious, dogmatically so, was a choice YOU made. Thankfully, your family, whom you often turned your back on, kept open the door, allowed you to explore your spirituality, in the most supportive and unselfish ways. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD NOT HAVE FUN, WAS YOUR RELIGIOUS FAMILY. THE FAMILY TO WHOM YOU WERE BORN, PRAYED TO THEIR TREES, DAILY, THAT YOU WOULD SEE THE LIGHT AND THE COLOR THAT THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER YOU...AND KEEP IN MIND, THE DISTINCTION BETWEEN, "LEARNING," AND BEING EDUCATED! HUGE DIFFERENCE THERE, NOT JUST SEMANTICS!

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  2. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being religious...I am saying that I wish I had been told I could be religious and have "real" fun earlier instead of realizing after I became frustrated. Had I known this earlier I wouldn't be struggling with religion now.

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  3. Your father, extended family and I told you, early on, so much earlier. I think you were so, about NOT listening to US, that you didn't hear us...(Honey, we were shouting, so loudly, our throats began to hurt, so we got quieter, and let you find your own way.) We are sad it took so long, and that you missed so much. BTW..I'm not saying there is anything wrong with religion either. If the shoe fits wear it. If it hurts, buy another pair. If you love the shoe and it hurts, buy it in a different size!

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  4. It was your "religious families," who kept the secret to a happy, fun life from you...We did everything in our power to help you see, sooner, much sooner, that you could have your proverbial cake AND eat it too!

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  5. You're sort of missing what I am saying but thank you for your feedback!

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  6. We thought about forcing you to see the truth...the beauty and the good. We knew that if we did, however, we would have lost you entirely.

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  7. By meeting many of my religious friends later on I saw that it was okay to have fun and be frum. Had I gone to a place like New York where frum youth is encouraged to socialize, my experience may have been different. The same can be said if I had gone to California, Miami, or even Tel Aviv. Pittsburgh is a beautiful wonderful place, however, it is very cloistered and in someways backward. Frum youth is encouraged to socialize however, not by going to singles events or group dinners, but by going to learning sessions and farbrangens.

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  8. I am not missing it at all...I get it...allow yourself to get it too. Give yourself permission to get it...and thank you for allowing me to feedback!

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  9. Yes...and at that time, in that situation, you were no more ready to live in Crown Heights, than I am to wear a sheitel now! If you had gone to New York for college, you would NOT have found the fun, because YOU WERE NOT LOOKING FOR IT...BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT YOU COULD...MAKE THAT DECISION FOR YOURSELF NOW, KNOWING THAT YOU MAY! THIS HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH GEOGRAPHY!

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  10. Elly, YOU DID THIS TO YOU...FIGURE IT OUT!

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